THE BEST TWILIGHT STORY EVA
by What a Waste of Space
Summary: - - Yeah, don't take the title's word for it! This is a combination of all the most horrific Twilight plot lines known to man combined into one. I guess you could call it a mockery.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything, trust me. Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, and, well, I wont mention names on who owns the plot lines.

Two peple wrote this... this AWESOMEZ story! LOLZ. But we wont take all the credit! We definately stole the craptastic plot lines of the Twilight stories, and decided to combine them all into one!

this AMAZING story contains EVERYTHING! From far-fetched ideas to poor grammar. It's a package deal! And an awesome one at that, too!

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"Amazing," Carlisle stated, glancing at me in wonderment, "I've never seen this happen before. You were bitten, what, an hour ago? No pain?"

Bella shook her head, giggling, and kicking her legs. She felt no pain, she felt _new_.

"No cravings for blood?"

"Nuh-uh," Bella replied, laughing as her hand crushed the table she was currently perched upon, "Oopsie!" She felt a blush creep on her face and neck, and opened her mouth in shock, "Oh my goodness gracious, Carlisle! I can still blush! Are you sure I'm a vampire?"

Carlisle took Bella's pale wrist into his hands and felt for a pulse. Finding none, he released her arm and nodded, "I'm positive, Bella. You've really managed to shock me!"

Just then, a knock sounded at the door, causing Bella to jump, "Eddie-Ward! I know it's you! I can, like, just _feel_ it!" She paused, letting a gasp escape her lips, "Maybe that's my power!"

Edward strode into Carlisle's office, a cool expression on his face. His hair was tousled just right, and the sun that was peeking through the curtains made his skin glitter slightly. It was a movie star entrance that anyone would kill to have, and, he, being just so damn perfect, had it. Whatever _it_ was.

"Hey, baby," he purred seductively into Bella's ear, inhaling the scent she still somehow managed to keep, "I heard Carlisle's thoughts. He thinks you're _special_. You know... Now that you're a vampire and all, I could take you to my room and show you just how _special_ you are. Or, at least as special as you're gonna get next to me!"

Bella's blush deepened and her brown, yes, she still got to keep her brown eyes as well, widened, "How will you do that?"

"By having the hot kinky sex I've wanted to have with you since the moment I met you, of course! You know, you're so much more different than my other 82 girlfriends, that's why I dropped all the girls I could have laid in, like, a heartbeat for you, the girl who forced me to wait to have sex with her until I was in _love_, or, at least, until you were a vampire like me!" Edward replied like Bella had asked him the color of the sky.

"Ooooh! That sounds fun!" Bella said, turning from Carlisle, who, upon hearing his adopted son whisper such obscene things, merely chuckled, muttering about crazy kids.

"BELLAAAAAA!" came a shriek, from, none other than, the pixie-like vampire herself, Alice, "WE HAVE TO GO SHOPPING, LIKE RIGHT NOW!"

Bella shoved Edward to the side, forgetting all comments. Now that she was a vampire, shopping seemed so much more important than sex. I mean, who could pass up a half-off sale at Bloomingsdale? Not Isabella Marie Swan! Especially being around all those people on her first hour of being a vampire! Now what could possibly go wrong?

Bella was half way down the hall when she suddenly felt sick to her stomach, she bent over and groaned in pain, but it wasn't the fire everyone had warned her that she would feel once she became a vampire, it felt like... _kicking_. Like a child!

Bella only knew one thing to do...

She logged on AIM quickly, praying that Carlisle, although just down that hall, was online. She was greeted by, not only Carlisle, but the rest of the Cullen's as well!

_SparklyEdd13_ - Edward

_bellaISNTaBARBIE_ - Bella

_xXEmoJazzXx_ - Jasper

_AlwaysHard_ - Emmett

_2sexii4u_ - Rosalie

_iLuVtOsHoP24/7_ - Alice

_DrSexyTime_ - Carlisle

_PISSEDoffATindoorWRESTLING_ - Esme

_bellaISNTaBARBIE:_ CARLISLE!!

_SparklyEdd13:_ aren't u gunna say hi 2 me?? ):

_xXEmoJazzXx:_ what about me?? no1 seems to care much bout me n e more...

_iLuVtOsHoP24/7:_ do i need 2 sho u just how much i care bout you mr?? i thought last nite wuz good enuff...

_AlwaysHard:_ omg ew, seriously, guys. get a room.

_iLuVtOsHoP24/7:_ ur 1 to talk!! mr. alwayz havin sex w/ rose in the janitor's closet at skool!!

_2sexii4u:_ EMMETT CULLEN! I TOLD U NOT 2 TELL N E 1!!

_AlwaysHard:_ i didnt, rosie! i swearz!

_bellaISNTaBARBIE:_ OKAY GUYS, SRSLY, SHUT UP. CARLISLE, R U THERE??

_SparklyEdd13:_ bella...r u cheating on me with my own FATHER?

_bellaISNTaBARBIE:_ no!! i need 2 tell him sumthin rly bad tho! it involves u 2!!

_SparklyEdd13:_ really?? in that case... CARLISLE!!

_PISSEDoffATindoorWRESTLING:_ Edward... You are so conceited...

_SparklyEdd13:_ I resent that, mother.

_DrSexyTime:_ Okay, Okay, Okay! I Am Here Right Now! What Do You Want, Bella??

_bellaISNTaBARBIE:_ Carlisle, I think...I...I'm pregnant...

_SparklyEdd13:_ WHAT!?

_iLuVtOsHoP24/7:_ WUT??

_xXEmoJazzXx:_ WUT!!112!!3&!?

_AlwaysHard: _...nice going, edward!

_2sexii4u:_ omg! i'm gonna b an aunty!

_DrSexyTime:_ Bella, Don't Move. I'll Be There Any Moment.

_bellaISNTaBARBIE:_ OK, thanks Carlisle! Bye, everyone!

-_bellaISNTaBARBIE has signed off _-

_AlwaysHard:_ i mizz bella...

_2sexii4u:_ ur an idiot.

Shortly after Bella signed off, everyone else did also, putting aside their brand new laptops with care. Jasper had blown up the library during an unfortunate attempt at forging Bella a new birth certificate for their soon-to-be new location in Denali.

"Bella! Bella, baby!" Edward shouted with concern, rushing across the room to hold his wife with care, "How could this happen?"

"I don't know!" Bella said, anger suddenly swelling up in her, "Do you have a problem with being a dad? Is that it? Do you not want to admit that you fathered this child? This miracle?" Bella was now in tears, her face red.

"No, Bella!" Edward shouted, "I love you, I've always loved you, and I will always love you! Even if you are fat and waddle like a one legged duck! I swear!"

"You think I'll waddle like a one legged duck?" Bella whimpered, her bottom lip quivering, as the tears continued.

"No! Well, yes... But all pregnant ladies do that!"

"So I'm just another pregnant lady to you!?"

"No! Well, I mean, you're not a lady... You're a vampire and... Uh... I love you?"

Before Edward could get himself anymore tongue-tied, Carlisle stepped in, doctor bag in hand. Despite herself, Bella giggled, remembering when she played doctor as a child.

"So, I hear you're quite the miracle lady today! You're probably going to be the strongest vampire in existence, Bella." Carlisle went on, making hand gestures as he spoke. Bella giggled at some of his hand gestures, unable to suppress the inappropriate thoughts that flew in her mind.

After a few pokes and prods from Carlisle, he let Bella and Edward go.

"Oh, babe, wait here for a moment – okay? Emmett, Jazz, and I have a surprise for you all," Edward said, giving a suggestive wink to Bella before he left. Alice and Rosalie were soon at Bella's side, and a faint blush spread across Bella's cheeks as she took into a few accounts after what this 'surprise' was – and his little wink.

"Alice, what are the boys planning for us?" Bella asked quietly, and Rosalie looked over at Alice as well. Her lips were pursed together tightly, not looking real forward to this 'surprise' that was planned.

"I don't know! I can't see anything!" Alice said in a frustrated tone. "All I can see is that I'm going to loose an auction on eBay if they don't hurry up..." Bella rolled her eyes in response, and crossed her arms over her chest.

Suddenly, the lights cut. Not only from the living room – from the whole house. The only spark of electricity flowing through the household was the rather loud music, which was now pounding from Emmett's room.

_You know, I never –_

_I never seen you look so good,_

_You never act the way you should._

_But, I like it,_

_And I know you like it, too._

_The way that I want you,_

_I got to have, oh yes, I do_

Edward, Emmett, and Jasper flew down from the stairs at vampire speed. They were moving too fast at first for anyone to see anything, but then they all paused in front of the girls. Hiding their topaz eyes were a thick pair of aviator shades, and they were _almost_ naked. The only thing they were proudly sporting were a pair of briefs, and pair of socks that they were sliding around in.

_You know I never,_

_I never ever stay out late._

_You know that I can hardly wait,_

_Just to see you._

_And I know you cannot wait_

_Wait to see me too._

_I gotta touch you._

_Cause baby we'll be at the drive-in,_

_In the old man's ford, behind the bushes._

'_Till I'm screamin' for more,_

_Down the basement,_

_Lock the cellar door,_

_And baby,_

_Talk dirty to me._

Edward and Jasper bumped rear-end's with each other, and Emmett spread his legs open. Jasper slid beneath them, and landed on his knees in front of Alice. Emmett gave a rather enthusiastic pelvic thrust behind Jasper's head, causing the girls to bubble with laughter.

Edward, unable to handle the attention not being on him, began to start suggestively dancing. His pointer finger on both of his hands dipped beneath the waistband of his briefs, while the rest of his hand 

was placed down on his hips, suggestively playing with the waistband.

_You know I call you,_

_I call you on the telephone._

_I'm only hoping that you're home,_

_So I can hear you,_

_When you say those words to me._

_And whisper so softly._

_I gotta hear you._

_Cause baby we'll be at the drive-in,_

_In the old man's ford, behind the bushes._

'_Till I'm screamin' for more,_

_Down the basement,_

_Lock the cellar door,_

_And baby,_

_Talk dirty to me._

Edward's undergarments were now resting dangerously low on his hips, and Bella was staring with excitement at him. He turned around, and wiggled his bum suggestively, before bending over and slipping a sock off his feet. Bella gasped loudly, and Alice fanned her face. Rosalie was still looking at Emmett, who was now dancing above Jasper, naked. She looked ready to jump his bones.

Edward threw the sock over his shoulder, and it landed on Bella's face. She huffed in annoyance and threw the sock to the ground. She had been so busy being annoyed, that she didn't see Edward come behind her, now grinding into Bella's backside.

_C.C. pick up that guitar and talk to me!_

'_Cause baby we'll be,_

_Cause baby we'll be at the drive-in,_

_In the old man's ford, behind the bushes._

'_Till I'm screamin' for more,_

_Down the basement,_

_Lock the cellar door,_

_And baby,_

_Talk dirty to me._

_  
And babe, talk dirty to me_

_Talk dirty to me_

_Um, Whoah, I'm Slayin' you at you, baby._

_Oh yeah._

"Not in front of the baby, Edward!" Bella shouted, covering her stomach protectively. Edward just smirked, wrapping his arms around her tightly, leaning in close to Bella's ear.

"Technically, babe, I wasn't in front of the baby," He dragged his bottom lip seductively up and down her jaw line, "I was behind it."

Edward pulled Bella closer to him, and began to suck on her earlobe seductively. He was running his hands down her sides, and slipped them underneath his shirt. It all happened at once -- The door flew open, Alice was screaming, Rosalie and Emmett ran down the stairs with a look of confusion on their 

faces.

In front of all the vampires was none other than Jacob Black.

"BELLA, WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?" Jacob shouted, causing Bella to push Edward away almost violently.

"Because, Jacob! I love him!" she yelled, although she pushed her 'love' away.

Jacob sniffed the air, wrinkling his nose in disgust, "How could you love someone who smells so… bad?"

"She doesn't," Edward growled, "If she did, she would love you, dog."

Bella sighed, stepping between the two mythical creatures, well, creatures that _should_ be mythical, "Shut up, both of you. Honestly, I'll love who I want, and be friends with who I want." She turned to Jacob and smiled, "If they smell bad, I must smell bad, because I'm one of them now, Jake…"

Jacob's eyes widened in shock, sniffing the air harder, then frowned, "You don't _smell_ like one of them. You smell like the same old you…"

"ZOMG LOL WE KEN STILL B LYK BEST FRIENDS!" Bella shouted happily, hugging her friend.

Then the vampires and werewolves lived happily ever after. Bella mothered her beautiful baby sister/daughter and she magically grew until she was 17.

The End.

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LOL LiiKE, U GUYZ SHOULD TTLY REVIEW AND TELL ME HOW AWESOME THIZ STORY WUZ!!1!!13!32!

OMG AND DONT FLAME THIZ


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